I’ve come here to write as I need some kind of therapy.
I so wanted to write an uplifting and inspirational post but I can’t, it’s just not possible and it isn’t within me.
I feel instructed to write so here I am.
The last couple of months have been blessed and hurtful in almost equal measures. In one hand, I’ve been gifted to spend more time with my children and in the other hand I’ve been mentally, emotionally and physically challenged in a tremendous way. Trying to balance everything that is important has been rather tricky. I rarely commend myself for how I have managed but it’s hard to do so when you’re constantly fighting to keep your head above water.
Before I go any further, I’d like to offer my sympathy to anyone who has lost a loved one to this current virus. I have people close to me who have lost loved ones and I have felt it for them. It has been an unthinkable time for some.
Someone who I regard as a special soul, passed away in May. Covid related. UK rapper but globally loved ‘Ty’. This man means a lot to me because he showed me so much love when I was starting out on the UK rap scene in 2003. I remember watching him perform and was like ‘yeah!’. I gravitated towards his energy and felt encouraged by his craft and care. ‘Ty’ knew his purpose and lived in it. He is missed by many and loved by waves of people. I am glad to have known him. Love you ‘Ty’.xx
There have been losses outside of the virus that have broken my heart and I can’t even find the words to make sense of it all. I am just praying for a sweet friend of mine who is hurting right now.
Right now my heart is aching for my black community although I’m glad to see strides in unity from people of all backgrounds and the necessary changes taking place for the black community. I’m not going to lie, I secretly experience some form of trauma at least a few times a day from what I witness and hear on social media and TV (when I watch it). I am deeply concerned by the events taking place in this world and I feel very overwhelmed when matters of race are involved. The murders of black men and women by the hands of the police in America has stirred a pain in my core that no words in any language can give justice. The United Kingdom isn’t far behind either. Each day I read of another instance of injustice that has taken place. It’s like ‘Groundhog Day’ filled with pain only. I’ve tried several times to move away from social media. I’ve tried to avoid glancing over at the news. Even breakfast TV I avoid as it is too much. Recent events have even unearthed things I have put to rest. Racism I’ve experienced towards me. Stories from family members who have experienced racism has also been remembered. It’s been a lot to carry.
I am carrying so much hurt. I think about all of the difficult conversations I am yet to have with my children and it breaks me. I’ve already had to explain a few things to my son as he is very observant and he has asked some questions. My children are spiritual and sensitive beings and I want them to remain children as long as possible. They shouldn’t have to be told that the colour of their skin will in some instances be a problem for some people. But this is the ugly reality we are faced with. My beautiful, blessed, precious, charismatic, funny, thoughtful, smart, inspiring, loving and well spirited children will experience active racism. This year alone, has woken me up further to know how active racism is. I know racism is around us and always has been, but this year has truly uncovered and exposed further how people really feel towards one another. Personally, I feel that ignorant people will always remain how they are if they feel it benefits them. Compassion and empathy isn’t afforded to everyone. Some people cannot and will not try to understand what others are feeling. These people do not have the capacity to tap into anything outside of their own reality. These are the people I choose not to use my energy on if given the option. I am not into the business of explaining things to those who are not open to learning or even trying to understand. I’m into the business of progression. There shouldn’t have to be a question whether my life matters or holds value. If someone is out to contest such a thing, that person is the problem and that’s a fact.
Being a sensitive person can affect your physical health dramatically. My sensitivity causes me to take on things that probably wouldn’t affect most people, but it affects me. I feel things deeply and often vicariously. Having this attribute has sometimes filtered into my physical health and has caused me sickness mostly attacking my immune system and partially my nervous system. I’m at a stage of my life where I know a doctor may not be able to help me. I have to educate myself enough to know how to heal myself long term before I reach a point of no return. There have been countless attempts to commence healing but challenges show up. Having to tackle such challenges brings on upset and stress. This is the cycle I am fighting to break and I will continue my fight until I achieve the quality of health I deserve.
I am a sensitive and strong being. Being strong, can have people believing you’re OK. For the record, being a strong person doesn’t make you exempt from needing help, support, love, a bunch of flowers, a cup of coffee or a simple ‘how have you been?’. I think people that come across strong need checking on quite a bit too. They may have mastered the art of masking pain or sadness. Something I know all too well about. Being strong can sometimes feel like being gifted and cursed at the same time. I love my strength. I love that I go for what I believe in. I love that I keep going. I am sometimes inspired by my own strength but it can be tiring here. It can be frustrating and taxing. How do you see your own strength? What is your relationship with your strength and have you embraced your strength? What are your views? I’d be interested to discuss.
So in a long winded way, I guess I’m trying to say I’m hurting. I’m hurting for various reasons. Some mentioned above and some I have kept personal. But there are some things I do know:
-Through the hurt of racial turmoil I choose knowledge, compassion, pride and love.
-Through the hurt of stress I choose to still work towards healing even though I don’t always stay on the right path.
-Through sadness I choose hope.
-Through the thoughts of lack, I will try my best to continue to draw for gratitude.
-Through everything else, I choose ‘Sage and Rose Quartz’. This stuff keeps me sane (kinda!).
(Thank you to my earth angels and loved ones who have tried to offer words of comfort and sent kind hearted gestures my way. I love you for reaching out and caring for me 💗)