Written 27th December 2019
Season’s greetings everyone!
I hope you’re still enjoying the essence of the festive period.
I’m not sure how I feel about Christmas anymore but my focus is on the kids so I’m cool to put my feelings to one side.
What I do know is that Christmas is taxing. Emotionally, physically and financially. To me it has become an unnecessary stress and I have intentions of doing something about it one way or another.
It’s the day after boxing day and I’m feeling completely depleted. I’ve not been in the best health of late and to add I’ve not been taking the opportunity to look after myself. Rest is not always an option and I’m dying for a break. As I’m writing this I’m in and out of tears. Everything feels mighty chaotic and I feel forced to function.
At this moment of writing, I’ve realised I’m a ‘reactionary writer’. It seems I write in response to an event or a trigger (which essentially is the same thing).
I’ve been absent from writing for a little while because I’ve been feeling blocked and there has been so much going on. I’m not sure if I’m actively complicating my own life or if this is how things are meant to be. In the bigger picture I have a lot and I’m grateful. I see the glass half full and to me it’s refillable. I try to hang onto gratitude like an anchor.
Today my energy is low and health is shite. My children are turbo charged and I can barely parent. I’m with family so I’m not home at present. There are key figures in the family who are also tired but they are going forth and keeping things together through their own exhaustion. They are tough and made in an era of resilience. I’m younger than them so right now I must seem like a lazy cow because all I’ve done all day is lay around. I can’t communicate how I feel because it’ll just sound rubbish so I’m keeping it to myself. I want to help but I know it would make me feel worse so I’m trying to protect myself. I also feel awful because I can’t take the kids anywhere or even read a long story to them. I’m meant to be in my prime but I’m far from. I want to do more for my family today but I ain’t cutting it. I know one key figure is disappointed in me especially, I can feel it. Right now I’m just staying out of their way as I can’t physically help them.
So as it stands I feel pretty riddled with guilt. I feel guilty for resting and I want to combat this or is this impossible?
Mummy guilt is standard and harder to shake off, this I know. Guilt for other areas in my life I need to assess on a deeper level. There are close ones that make me feel guilty for various things and I’ve never really studied this. Is it always about me or are they just projecting how they feel about something? Is there something about me that makes them feel I’m the one being unreasonable? I don’t know!
Why do we feel guilty even if we are not? I need a psychologist to feedback to me on this one. I’m now wondering if it’s to do with our moral compass? I really wonder.
While I should be focusing on myself I’m focused on others. I know this is part of my problem. While I should be snoring my head off, I’m blogging. I’m no help to myself at times, I swear. This too is a possible added factor to my problem.
Although theoretically I should be applying compassion towards myself, I can’t shake off certain feelings. Although I try to be selfish in order to care of myself, I often feel guilt creeping in. Balance is key this I know, but today I need some human help.
What are your thoughts around guilt and how do you deal with these kind of feelings?
Thanking you in advance.