Written 27th December 2019
Season’s greetings everyone!
I hope you’re still enjoying the essence of the festive period.
I’m not sure how I feel about Christmas anymore but my focus is on the kids so I’m cool to put my feelings to one side.
What I do know is that Christmas is taxing. Emotionally, physically and financially. To me it has become an unnecessary stress and I have intentions of doing something about it one way or another.
It’s the day after boxing day and I’m feeling completely depleted. I’ve not been in the best health of late and to add I’ve not been taking the opportunity to look after myself. Rest is not always an option and I’m dying for a break. As I’m writing this I’m in and out of tears. Everything feels mighty chaotic and I feel forced to function.
At this moment of writing, I’ve realised I’m a ‘reactionary writer’. It seems I write in response to an event or a trigger (which essentially is the same thing).
I’ve been absent from writing for a little while because I’ve been feeling blocked and there has been so much going on. I’m not sure if I’m actively complicating my own life or if this is how things are meant to be. In the bigger picture I have a lot and I’m grateful. I see the glass half full and to me it’s refillable. I try to hang onto gratitude like an anchor.
Today my energy is low and health is shite. My children are turbo charged and I can barely parent. I’m with family so I’m not home at present. There are key figures in the family who are also tired but they are going forth and keeping things together through their own exhaustion. They are tough and made in an era of resilience. I’m younger than them so right now I must seem like a lazy cow because all I’ve done all day is lay around. I can’t communicate how I feel because it’ll just sound rubbish so I’m keeping it to myself. I want to help but I know it would make me feel worse so I’m trying to protect myself. I also feel awful because I can’t take the kids anywhere or even read a long story to them. I’m meant to be in my prime but I’m far from. I want to do more for my family today but I ain’t cutting it. I know one key figure is disappointed in me especially, I can feel it. Right now I’m just staying out of their way as I can’t physically help them.
So as it stands I feel pretty riddled with guilt. I feel guilty for resting and I want to combat this or is this impossible?
Mummy guilt is standard and harder to shake off, this I know. Guilt for other areas in my life I need to assess on a deeper level. There are close ones that make me feel guilty for various things and I’ve never really studied this. Is it always about me or are they just projecting how they feel about something? Is there something about me that makes them feel I’m the one being unreasonable? I don’t know!
Why do we feel guilty even if we are not? I need a psychologist to feedback to me on this one. I’m now wondering if it’s to do with our moral compass? I really wonder.
While I should be focusing on myself I’m focused on others. I know this is part of my problem. While I should be snoring my head off, I’m blogging. I’m no help to myself at times, I swear. This too is a possible added factor to my problem.
Although theoretically I should be applying compassion towards myself, I can’t shake off certain feelings. Although I try to be selfish in order to care of myself, I often feel guilt creeping in. Balance is key this I know, but today I need some human help.
What are your thoughts around guilt and how do you deal with these kind of feelings?
Thanking you in advance.
4 thoughts on “Guilt”
Really interesting topic and one that resonates. I’m not a psychologist, but my own experiences with guilt tell me that it’s morr of a mindset. One that can come from our upbringing and that never truly leaves us.
It comes from little things, like saying “sorry”, even when someone walks into your path or steps on your foot.
I realised a few years ago that the feelings of guilt emanated from me when dealing with the embers of some dead friendships. I kept feeling bad, thinking I hadn’t done enough, but in reality those people were doing little or nothing for me or to justify the continued existence of the friendship.
That’s when i realised that guilt, like pain, is something that we just have to learn to manage and navigate. Sometimes it is due to something we need to address internally, but a lot of the time we just need to keep it moving in a way that emotionally allows us to protect ourselves.
Thank you Geraldine.
When you mentioned upbringing and dead friendships I totally resonate with what you’re saying.
Management of such feelings is the tricky one but also necessary.
Thank you for feeding back. Talking about this will definitely help with bringing perspective and for that I’m grateful for your time and input.xx
Hmmm… my thoughts about guilt (I know right? Took me the WHOLA Xmas to reply. Well there’s a guilt right there lol apologies) I think it stems from so many sources but moreso from external factors. Yes we feel it inside & churn it over & over if we can’t voice it or someone doesn’t reassure us. But Society, families, communities set unasked for bars for us & when we don’t reach sometimes, we’re made to feel bad about that. I get it to ‘some’ degree but not when it is actually at the detriment to that person. There are times, peeps have taken the piss, saying they’ll do stuff for me & then don’t & then feeling bad, so avoiding me & then feeling bad about that & so continuing to stay away & so forth. It took me a LONG time (& I still have my moments when I get annoyed) to not berate them for what they already know is a problem, but scold them with love lol. Address what they’ve been doing that’s been an issue for me, but also letting them know I still love them, no matter what, because I won’t allow this act to define them as a person as i know it’s not like them, so ‘talk to me’ ‘help me understand what’s going on & where can I help to meet you half way to lighten the load’ For ‘me’ with dealing with guilt (coz it can happen frequently with my many jobs & schedules being crazy & things clashing) I have come to practise transparency, openness & sharing vulnerability. Letting all know involved the deal if I’m going to let them down. Keeping them updated on the ‘now’ solution process & telling them where I’m at & where it went wrong, but how I plan to rectify it. & not allowing others to make me feel ashamed. My fav phrase at the mo is ‘but do you pay my rent?’ When you paying my way, you can tell me how to be but until then, either help me in this time need or remove yourself until I have sorted myself out & we’ll reconvene. Either way I have to do me 1st (& I’m away I have no dependents ) & feel no way (too tough) about it, coz if I’m not cool, no one else truly around me will be & awkwardness I’m here to squash. Not a fan of that energy (unless it’s funny lol)
Get Outlook for iOS
Look how it’s taken me a whole 16 days to reply. Terrible!
Thank you for taking the time to communicate such a thoughtful response. Your insight is valued and I know I will refer to it from time to time when I’m challenged with guilt. You make some strong points that I need to take time to think about. Thank you Dani. You’re a constant and I’m grateful for you.xx