Yo! Yo! Yo!
Welcome to my March post. I’ve recently decided to post just once a month with add ons if I so choose. I don’t have it in me to write everyday or every week. I don’t have a structured plan. As I’ve mentioned before in one of my posts, I write based on instinct. I write with reason.
It’s recently turned midnight and I have recently turned a new age. God bless me. The fact I can stay up past midnight is amazing. This is a rare occasion.
For the last three years, my birthday has somewhat been strange. My name means ‘Christmas/birthday child’ (I think I last checked the meaning of my name a million years ago). I usually like to truly celebrate my birthday with loved ones or do something to mark the occasion. I’m the girl who often remembers the birthdays of others and sends acknowledgement of this. Birthdays mean something deep to me and I’m still trying to figure out why (I probably already know why but don’t want to say it out loud 🙈).
I’ve named this post ‘Here’. The reason for this is because I’m alive, living, breathing and contributing to the existence of this realm. I’m constantly trying to focus on the present. I’m deeply saddened by some aspects around my birthday but equally grateful for my ability to shift thoughts and feelings around certain things. I still struggle, I’m still miserable about what is troubling me, but I still keep it moving. I’m ‘here’, I’m in relatively good health, I have my family, opportunities, chances, a home, a great job, mind in tact (kinda), plus so much more. The good outweighs the bad so I’m beyond fortunate. Deep down I know I’m loved. Deep down I know only the few truly love me and show up for me. I’m also continuing to learn about the value in ‘the few’ and not get too bogged down about what I do for others who don’t mirror the effort I make. It’s a tricky process but it’s all learning.
Today I have no plans. In the back of my mind I’m actually cussing about this but I’ll see how the day goes. I’m sensitive about this day and will probably end up crying at some point like I have for the last couple of years, but the one thing that I have taken comfort in is when ‘the few’ save me from the depths of ‘birthday heartbreak’. This is now making me smile as I type and I must always try to remember how blessed I am.
As I continue to try and not focus on the lack, I would like to openly say thank you to those who ‘see me’. I’ve had a great and meaningful year and I pray the following will be even better.
I’m glad to be here and I hope me being here can make a significant difference in a positive way.