So once again I’m up in the middle of the night chilling with insomnia.
To be honest, I’ve been up chatting with one of my homegirls via WhatsApp and looking for tower fans. Lord have mercy, it is combustion city over here. The air is still and this one t-shirt I have on is coming like a puffa coat!
My day hasn’t been the best. Anxiety paid me a visit and f***ed up my whole entire vibe but I’m cool now. Even though at this moment I should be sleeping I can’t even beg tiredness to be my friend even if I tried. I’m proper awake.
I’m aware my posts of late haven’t been the most uplifting. But I think that’s ok. I’m still being ‘abundantly me’. I’m still grateful for plenty although I’m upset about a few things in my life. I’m still the joker although I fell darkness some of the time. I’m still continuing giving to others when I have little left for myself.
Right now in this moment I can breathe because I’m over the worst. I had to sleep off the bad vibes earlier and that’s probably why I can’t sleep now.
Whilst I’m in this moment, I feel reflective. My homegirl doesn’t realise that she just coached me out of a funk (I would use her name but I don’t think she would appreciate her personal business being put out there without permission, so for the purpose of this exercise, she will be referred to as ‘homegirl’). Anyway, as I was saying, homegirl just coached me. In more simpler terms, she just supported me. If anyone knows about surviving struggles it’s her. FFS! I don’t know many who are as tough and as graceful as she is. She’s had massive challenges and still has present challenges. Yet she’s here lifting me up when she too should be asleep. If you ever knew how we became friends you wouldn’t believe me. Those that are close to us know the story and still probably laugh. One day I may talk about it publicly. With her permission of course.
My homegirl is a gorgeous one inside and out. I’ve secretly felt jealous in the past because of this gorgeous human but not in a negative way (I don’t even think I was aware I was jealous or maybe I convinced myself I wasn’t that way inclined). I think this stemmed from observing how she handled herself in all situations and still looked amazing and composed. When you’re young you often look at the presentation of things, not necessarily what is going on inside. As I’ve gotten older I’ve grown to understand that part of that jealousy was a reflection of how I was feeling about myself. My 20’s were mad. I truly gave myself a hard time. My obsession with my weight drove me to despair at times and my idea of beauty was confusing. I’m grateful I’ve let a lot go. I’m grateful I’m at a stage where I’m learning about the deeper meaning of things.
I’m no longer jealous. I don’t need to be. Homegirl has problems, I have problems. She loves me, I love her. She gets anxious and so do I. We’re in this together. If it wasn’t for her love I wouldn’t have felt empowered to even write this. At her lowest moment she’s still there for me and so many others are there for me too but not everyone GETS IT! She does. Homegirl I thank you. As I’ve already told you, YOU ARE LOVE!!
I thank everyone who has reached out to me. Many may think that they’re not making an impact but you are. When people check in on me, ask me how I’m doing, take interest in my blog, ask for my babies, my family, etcetera, that means a lot to me. It means I’m on your mind and there is a sense of care there.
Since having the blog I’ve acknowledged that I’m having more conversations. People are opening up and sharing that they relate to the content I’m writing. Do you know how powerful that is? The power is in the courage of speaking up in the first place. The power is in knowing we’re not alone. The power is in the support. Having support and being supported is so rich. It can be life changing. I have my earth angels and the ones I cannot see supporting me. I am blessed in abundance.
Recently, I’ve been hearing about the term ‘self made’ (especially pertaining to Kylie Jenner) on social media. Getdafuqouttahere!! No one is self made in my opinion. ‘No man is an island’. Everybody needs somebody at some point. As for Kylie Jenner, her mother is the true ‘hustler’ that probably started this whole fiasco in the first place. Her mother instructs, guides and SUPPORTS her. Kris is probably more ‘self made’ than she is, even though I don’t agree with such a term. Maybe the terms ‘self motivated’ and ‘tenacious’ would be more suitable to the likes of those I just mentioned?
Moving on (before I go off on a tangent), remember support is a big thing. If you are a supportive person, you maybe saving someone and may you be blessed for your actions. If you need support, try and seek something or someone that will support you positively tailored to your needs. May we all try and practice being more supportive. As well as helping others, no doubt it’ll help us!
To my support system, you all are awesome beings and each quality is locked in my forever growing heart. I thank you and love you.
Take and Give care.xx