I started writing this post at the beginning of this year. It’s now towards the end of the year and the relevance is personally prevalent.
Here is what I started to write in February: ‘Yesterday it was my son’s birthday. I can’t believe how quickly the years are whizzing by. He always makes me feel nostalgic as I frequently go back to that moment when he made his entrance into the world. His first year on earth had me so emotional. I was so overwhelmed by his existence, the same happened with his sister. Babies have magic powers, I swear!
Both of my children are still surprising me and have me in awe. I can’t get over how blessed I am at times. With this being said, I often think about my mortality. I try not to do it too often because I’m aware that thoughts become things. I’m also the kind of person who has a fear of losing loved ones (Thanatophobia). I’ve worked on myself to have a better attitude about this as I didn’t want it to dominate my ‘living time’. I guess this all comes from me loving people so deeply. I’ve assessed that my love for life and people has me feeling this way’…THIS IS AS FAR AS I GOT.
Fast forward to December 2019. I still love people deeply and care for many. This hasn’t changed.
As I’m writing this I’m currently sitting and waiting in a hospital as my eye health isn’t the best as well as other aspects of my health. I’m not in any critical condition and I’m grateful I can move and engage in daily life events so I’m good.
Hospitals make me think various things. Entrance to life, struggles in between and exiting life. I don’t have a fear of hospitals but I understand why people do.
A few days ago I got the news that a friend of mine passed away. I knew this friend was ill but it’s still hard to come to terms with. I’m not showing it externally but I’m struggling with this one. My heart is feeling it. This person was always good to me and many others. We were connected from our youth and by the love for our island. My head hurts whenever I think of his exit from this realm.
This year there have been so many people around my age who have passed on. Another good human I’ve known from my youth passed away earlier this year unexpectedly due to health reasons. I still can’t believe it.
Right now I’m trying to rebuke the fear of death but it’s so close. There are ripple effects of grief so close by and it’s affecting me. Although I do continue to live in the present, I am occasionally robbed by thinking about the future and the ‘what ifs’. There isn’t anything wrong with thinking about the future but when it comes to planning for the event of your own passing, there is so much to think about and plan. There is a lot of energy and tears involved whenever I think about leaving my babies behind. It cuts me so frikkin deep. This is real life and I need to deal with it. Mentally I have made notes of what I need to do but setting the wheels in motion is another story.
The one good thing I know I’m doing is actually LIVING in this life. I’m rich with good people and good happenings. I thank God and the Universe for my children frequently. I kiss and cuddle them, I tell them how super they are, let them know they are loved, express how special they are and more. I’m glad I can enjoy my children, create memories, make things happen for my children and learn from my children. They are boundless blessings to me and many others. I feel the most gratitude when it comes to my two rascals no matter how many times they annoy me and occasionally refuse to tidy the mess they’ve created. They are life itself and they add to my purpose here in the existence.
The thought of losing loved ones is something that won’t really leave me if I’m honest. What I’m trying to do is work on my attitude towards death. I may need to speak to a ‘death doula’ or a mortician to help me. Perspective is everything and I need help in changing mine. The practice of using perspective is an ongoing process regardless of the subject.
As for myself, I would love to live long enough to see my children live out their lives. I want to annoy my husband for many more years to come and beg him to rub my feet even when they’re in desperate need of moisture. I want to connect with and support more humans. I’d like to be slim one more time (please ignore me as I frequently acquaint myself with crisps and biscuits). There is more I’d love to learn and experience. All these things I want to do are not entirely in my hands and I have no control over destiny and time. I often challenge the concept of time. In my opinion, ‘time’ is an illusion. Look up the word ‘Temporality’ I think I’m affected by this word.
What I do have control over is what I can do as a living mortal. I can create, adapt, absorb and utilise many things to help enhance my life experience. As I believe time is an illusion, I will try to use the present as a daily gift that keeps on giving. I will continue to love like I do because I truly believe in the power of love and the greatness it can do. I possess the power to transfer good energy to those who need it. I will continue to go where love is. I will continue to congratulate myself for overcoming sh*t that challenges me. I will continue to be thankful for the small things because in the grand scheme of things they’re actually big. When worth it, I will continue to keep trying even when I sometimes feel tried. Did you know, if you rearrange the word ‘tried’ you can get the word ‘tired’? Amazing! Feeling tried is to somewhat feel tired. How am I only discovering this now? This type of stuff fascinates me. Mind blown! 😂
Back on track! The bottom line is…I will continue. Whether it is on this side of death or the other. I will continue regardless of my fears and angst.
Energy doesn’t die. Energy is everything.
With this being said, I’d like to dedicate this post to Dwaine aka ‘Babycham’ and Anthony aka ‘Buju’. Two energetic music men who knew how to enjoy themselves and bring joy to others. Thank you for the good vibes, the love you gave me whilst you were here, the hugs and the laughter along the way. I’ll love you guys forever!
I’d also like to dedicate this post to anyone reading this who has lost someone they love. Remember their energy cannot die once the memories keep going. They live on. They live on through you.
Wishing you all more love, more life and more vibes.xx